Causerie

30:00

I've reached the last day of this journey and what I know is that I need another 30 days.  And another 30 days.  And yet another.  In other words, this path of inquiry, introspection and brutal self-assessment is and will continue to be a never-ending journey.

So, am I better?  Stronger?  Wiser?  Well, I will tell you that I'm still drinking too much, still eating the wrong things and certainly, I'm not spending enough time doing things of value, but, I'm better.  I surprised myself at how disciplined I was to write every day, no matter how tired or bored I was with the subject matter (me).  I learned some things about myself that made me hang my head in shame and I also discovered few other things that made me smile. From time to time, I'll share my revelations/ insights with you but, for now let me encourage you to take this journey for yourself. And dig deep.

Friends, thank you for hanging in there with me and for your helpful, wonderful and encouraging words.  Hugs and kisses to you all.  

 

30:01

• Though I didn't plan it this way, my 30-day journey has coincided with the Jewish time of repentance - the 40 days of T'Shuvah or Teshuvah.  This is a significant time for people who love God and who are trying to live a righteous life.  This time of T'Shuvah is the act of returning to Him through repentance - turning away from those people, places, things, ideas, notions that takes us away from loving God and doing what He has called us to do.  I haven't been very good with this.

30:02

• I attended a funeral this morning.  There is nothing more that makes one feel alive.


30:03

• When I held it in my hands, immediately, my head began to ache and by the time I had finished buttoning up the blouse I had a full-blown headache. I took aspirin and went on with my day, but every time I glanced in the mirror or looked down at the shirt, I had an "icky" feeling.  This has happened before with other things - knick-knacks, paintings, jewelry, shoes.  I'd touch it, look at it or wear it and almost instantly I'd feel uneasy or uncomfortable. Or sad, even.  Recently, when I cleaned  my closet, as I touched certain pairs of pants or dresses or blouses, I realized that some of that stuff was making me feel bad.  I'm sure there's a psychiatrist out there who could explain it to me but, for now all I know is that when I tossed those boots, clothes and scarves into the donation pile, I felt so much better.

30:04

 

• Here's the question: "Not what does it want but, what does my body need to think? To be strong? To respond, react, and rest?

30:05

• Do you remember play-time?  Good, old fashioned play? I think we should all have days when we can throw our heads back, kick out our feet and soar as high as we possibly can.

 

30:06

• Ten years ago today, I was sitting at our dining room table grading papers.  The television and radios were turned off and I was preparing our day for home-school lessons and for Mr. Man's big day - his 40th birthday celebration.  The phone started ringing that morning but, I decided to let them leave a message.  There were about three hang-ups in a row.  On the fourth call, I went into the kitchen to listen. It was my friend telling me to turn on the television. Our world was changing.
• Today, as we sat around the same dining room table where I was grading papers ten years ago, we thanked God for another year of life and provisions.  I watched as Mr. Man opened gifts and I listened as he read the birthday greetings he had received in the mail.  And with every spoonful of celebratory strawberry shortcake, there were moments of great joy and thankfulness as I looked around that table at my husband and at my children.